I once dated a girl on the track team. It didn't work out. She kept giving me the runaround.

I only date stewardesses. Or maybe it just seems that way. Women always seem to be showing me the exits.

I had a rough childhood. When I was born, the doctor advised me of my rights.

I have no luck with women. I once went on a date and asked the woman if she'd brought any protection. She pulled a switchblade on me.

They say God has existed from the beginning of time and will exist beyond the end of time. Can you imagine trying to sit through his home movies?

As a lover, I'm about as impressive as a magician on the radio.

There's only one thing wrong with wife swapping. You get another wife.

What's the most popular pastime in America? Autoeroticism, hands down.

Those prizes in Cracker Jacks are a joke. I once got a magnifying glass. It was so poorly made, ants were laughing at it.

The only difference between friends and lovers is about four minutes.